diamonds don't bling in the dark.

.

2007-09-12T02:01:23Z

i'm the worse kind of sad because i can't be saved.

stand by.

2006-06-18T06:17:26Z

Headed down to New York for a four-day getaway to visit the brother, and to finally see the city once and for all. The great Nacci was kind enough to accompy me on the last minute mission. Basically spent the days riding the subway, walking countless streets and intoxicating our bodies with coffee among other things. And eating. MY GOD the eating.

Looking back on things, it was quite honestly one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had, and in a way that I can't seem to explain to anybody. Maybe for once in what felt like a lifetime, I had absolutely zero to worry about, even if for just a slight frame in time. I won't go into details because there are too many, and sometimes the best moments are better off inside you and the people you shared it with. Nevertheless, here is a short sorta-summary, with pictures... :)

Plane ride from Buffalo to JFK.

The goodness that is coffee.

Tuesday at Karma.

Japanese restaraunt where it all began...
Hands down one of the greatest nights of my whole existence.

Sam Weber and co. studio in Brooklyn.

Atop the studio, mid Wednesday rain.

Time Square love.

Front row view of New York's finest -and quite hot- men at work.

Ground Zero.

Mrs Demetria who fed us breakfast every morning.
It was the last day, and notice the post-NewYork-eating-habits on my fat, sleep-deprived face.

Rooftop on the last night, overlooking the entire Manhantan skyline.
It was breath-taking in a way that's completely surreal to your senses.

The more I travel, the clearer it becomes, of where home really is.
I am thankful that I've yet to be jaded to ever feel that I need to be anywhere else but here.

return to issue

oh nelly.

2006-05-16T16:08:44Z

EDITING 101.

I'm currently at first day of summer school. Intro to Photoshop. So far I've learned that Ashlee Simpson has finally gotten her much needed nose-job. I'm running on an hour and half of sleep and I wanna pass out in front of this computer that I'm expected to sit at 8 hours for 2 days a week.

I've given up on my daily crossword.

And my instructor who is right now explaining how to resize image files.

I'm set to watch Lord of the Rings, the musical, later tonight and I will more than likely pass out once or twice during its apparent 3 hour plus run.

I need a vacation from my life. And another large coffee.

sometimes ignorance rings true.

2006-05-09T05:47:00Z

Friday, May 5, 2006. Headed out with work crew to Seven night club for a post-exam / pre-summer-school celebration. Despite some incessant whinning, the wrong pair of shoes, and half the party cancelling at the last minute, we downed our drinks and rode our limo for some good dancing and awesome company.

pre-party at tanya's

limo love

with 3 white people and an asian guy, we probably owned
the lightest corner in the whole club lol.
note the glass cage where the ~~hookers~~ go-go dancers perform.

harshika started pre-drinking 2 days prior to the event

she was also a camera whore and was in 99.98% of the pictures

shawn left a very happy boy

cec love

RETURN TO ISSUE

we're one but not the same.

2006-05-04T02:50:36Z

RETURN TO ISSUE

asweexplode @ 2006-04-30T23:35:00

2006-05-03T03:43:55Z

I feel like this world is gonna eat me alive sometimes. Strength has become one of those cliche words that has lost all meaning. Who I am and who I wanna be seem to be drifting further and further away from each other.

All I have is hope that things will not always be like this. I know someday this empty feeling will be filled with something more positive than the self-hatred I have been drowning myself in. If I can face all of this sadness and pull myself together out of it, maybe I can finally stop questioning what I'm worth. And if I can be okay on my own again, then things will be just fine.

I'm just a bit of a mess, floating in any direction. I just really need someone to stablize me.

blank.

2006-04-28T22:09:24Z

It's funny, to lose something you thought you could never find. Something you thought would never come along because it wasn't meant for you. Something you thought you could never feel. Then you wake up one day, with their arm around you, protecting all the butterflies you've collected in your stomach. With their soft lips kissing yours, whispering sweet words, each one as genuine as the last and every one of them belonging to only you. And they say "I love you." And you say it back. Except it feels nothing like the way you've always imagined it would feel like to say it to someone for the first time. Because this time, it's real. And it's one of those moments when you realize that life has meaning. But more importantly, your life has meaning.

Then you wake up another day, and it's all gone. And all that's left is the silence, and the emptiness, and the tears you fall asleep with in the dark.

- - -

I spent a good amount of time wondering what else I could've done. But more and more I'm learning that all of this is beyond me. I could've given you the world, but it's not what you need. And whatever it is that you do need, it's not in me right now. One half of me hangs to the hope that you'll find your way back. And the other half wants to erase you completely from my mind, like they do so easily in Hollywood films. But this is no movie and it's no fairy tale. Just the reality of how cruel the world can be.

No one else in this whole world has ever given me what you have. No one's ever cared the way you did. No one else has ever come close to knowing me. And as much as all of this hurts, I still have nothing but love for you. But sometimes love isn't enough. And I do believe it isn't right now for us.

Seven whole days without you. All I have to hang on to are pieces. But beyond all my selfishness, there is still that greater hope that you find whatever it is you're looking for. And hopefully that you find happiness along the way. And maybe one day soon, the scars will heal and we can start something new again. Something much better than what's in front of us. Where there's no heartaches, no doubts, no fears. Where insects can crawl in people's ears, and we can call it love.

long way...

2006-04-11T00:42:51Z

Whoever said love is all you need, have obviously never had their hearts broken.

Sometimes we get so caught up in all the things that hurt us that we quickly forget just how easily we can hurt other people. Sometimes putting yourself back together on your own becomes the hardest reality. Sooner or later, we're all gonna have to realize that the only true way to finding happiness, is being happy with yourself.

leavin on a jetplane.

2006-01-31T06:58:52Z

my flight for sunny california leaves in about 4 hours. my partner in crime is on his bed taking in as much nap time as possible before we have to leave for the airport. it's still all too surreal, and it hasn't completely sunk in yet that i'm about to go there. perhaps there was some good in having to rush packing, and even some good in still being up at 4:30 am the night before, cause now the tiredness has taken over anxiety. which i think is a good thing at the moment.

everything changed two weeks ago. for what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

i'm back sunday night. and i've made it a point to see a whole lot of you that i haven't in a very long time. so until then, wish me a safe and fun trip, and i'll see you all soon enough. love, p.

can't get to heaven half off the ground.

2006-01-09T05:30:23Z

It's a couple of weeks late, but I've decided to make a New Years resolution. Normally I find them pretty pointless, but I guess this year it felt a little fitting. We'll see how long this one lasts.

If it were to all end tomorrow, I think my biggest regret would be not saying more. People assume that because you're calm and quiet that everything is perfect. But it's the contrary. The less you say, the more you keep inside, the more you dwell on all the things that you allow to consume you. I'm re-arranging my priorities, and I'm determined to stop drowning myself in apathy. I have too many reasons to be happy about and grateful for. Perhaps it's time to really realize that.

Sometimes I'm too busy analyzing life that I forget to live it.

so predictable.

2006-01-05T01:21:31Z

Christmas and New Years pretty much came and went. It's amazing how little I was caught up in the holidays this year and yet it turned out to be one of the greater ones. I never thought I would say it, but I enjoyed myself thoroughly in the company of my big, noisy family. Who woulda figured?

My second semester started today and I didn't even realize it until late last night when I was registering for courses. First day and I've already missed two classes. How super.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self that I don't realize how selfish I can be. Sometimes I think I want everybody to be like me. Figured it'd be easier to explain why I do and say and feel all the things I do and say and feel. But then if life were like that, everybody would be a sad, moody loner begging for things that they don't really want. And things would just be pretty messed up in general. One of me in this world is already more than anyone can handle. But it all makes no difference. I smile for pictures just the same.